Behold the Dangerous Power of Cheese

Behold the Dangerous Power of Cheese

Lancaster Intelligencer Journal April 19, 2008

By: Stanley Marsh

A Lancaster teen was hospitalized yesterday from urea poisoning, as a result of “cheesing.” Cheesing is a new phenomenon among high school aged teens, wherein cat urine is used to achieve a drug-like high through inhalation or smoking.

The “high” achieved from Cheesing is actually the premature sign of urea poisoning, a result of increased ammonia intoxication into the bloodstream. Urea poisoning, which can occur in as little as 10 minutes after the initial “high,” is recognizable through frothy salivation, grinding of the teeth, rapid breathing, muscle tremors, and seizure-like activity. In extreme cases, urea or ammonia poisoning can lead to death.

The hospitalized teen, whose name has been withheld due to family request, was taken by ambulance to Lancaster County Hospital at 8:14 Friday evening after a friend phoned 911 due to the teen’s compulsive shaking. The teen was given IV fluids and monitored overnight before being released early Saturday morning.

The hospitalized teen reportedly learned about Cheesing from a classmate, “[We] were bored on a Friday night, and heard about Cheesing at school, so we strung my Mom’s cat up with stirrups, and tickled her belly ‘till she Cheesed on us…I felt great for a few minutes but then passed out…”

This is the third, and most serious Cheesing incident reported this month in the Lancaster area. Cheesing is becoming a public health concern, but the Lancaster County public health director couldn’t be reached for comment. If you know someone who may be cheesing, contact the Lancaster County Board of Public Health at 717-299-7597.

Fly free magic jet pack people, fly free!

As a man of German and Eastern European descent, shaving has been a reality since the ripe age of about thirteen. The adolescent shards of stache that so promptly dotted my upper lip and cheeks weren't however met with celebration, as if it were some non-secular signifier of becoming a man, instead, it became a tedious activity of removal that I now must endure on a bi-weekly basis, yes as a young boy, I came to see that shaving was a royal pain in the ass.

Had I seen the Edge commercial, I may have felt differently. In all of my ignorance and ineptitude, it took me all of twenty-two years to finally learn the truth; that shaving elixir I had been putting on my face all of these years, which I callously mistakened for shaving cream, is actually a small utopia of scantily clad women partying and spraying the elements of said cream. And that intoxicating scent, oh the smell of demigocic masculine musk that all this time I thought was a by-product of Aloe and male marketing, it turns out to again, be women with jet packs, assaulting my olfactory senses through their raw sexuality and utter deliciousness.

Now this ad is not without faults, in fact, it brings up some disconcerting and frankly downright disturbing questions.

The ad depicts the products use on the face, now as I have previously mentioned, I am of German and Eastern European descent, an needless to say, my mustache wasn't the only hair growing in my early teen years. Spring cleaning, dusting for cobwebs, trimming the hedges, shaving some pubes, whatever euphemism you use, one thing is for sure, that cream isn't just for the face. Without preface or qualification, this product seems to have consequences of non-facial applications, particularly, the disconcerting tickle that having magic women dancing in your more private areas, or worse, a mis-guided jet pack journey ending in a tragic cathartic result.

What's more, I am disturbed by the work ethic of the female cream appliers; with the exorbitant price of commodities, the waste produced by the women shooting eachother with each ingredient ostensibly jacks up the price to an unneccesarry level. I'm sure this is a concern of most viewers, and that it will be addressed in corporate policy and training.

I also can't help asking myself, why do such attractive, tiny women find work applying face cream? They didn't appear to be intellectually handicapped, nor did they appear to be overtly lazy or cynical.

Finally, the last question I posed to myself was, is there a converse for women's shaving products, ie. are men employed to apply cream in women's shave gels/foams? Also, is there any crossover? I'm not sure how I feel about shaving my more delicate parts knowing that tiny women (and possibly men depending on the availability of workers) have full panoramic view of my junk. I also wonder how consumers would react to knowing that tiny women and/or men are running around their shaven parts, as the average consumer doesn't dig as deep as we here at GINA.

Inter-axe-ive garbage.

(Click the image to see the ridiculousness)

Today we will discuss Axe, of "chauvinistic non-sequiturs that reduce all females to man-craving h-bags" fame, and their foray into the world  of interactivity, that's right, the internet.  

GINA (dot com) has recently obtained the creative brief for this project, which sheds a bit of light into the psyche of both Axe, and it's target audience.  

The Brief:

Project Description:

A website that further re-enforces Axe's positioning for men, behind a sexy coed with his hoohaw in her heehaw.  

Target Audience:

Primary: Male virgins 13-36

Secondary: Economically disadvantaged gay men

Purpose:

This website should communicate, to an online-savvy audience (because let's be honest, our target audience spends LOTS of time online, and not looking at news, no they look at the sites that result in spyware and pop-ups.  To be perfectly clear, we are talking about pornography, particularly, with midgets.) that Axe will get you laid.

The site should have little trinkets and doo-dads to support the main goal.

Rational and Emotional Promise:

Rational: Using Axe gets you laid, perhaps even by entire sororities.

Emotional: Getting laid, perhaps even by entire sororities, will allow you to fulfill your lifetime goal of getting laid (perhaps even by entire sororities).

Mandatories:

For SEO purposes, the following words and phrases must be used as many times as possible:

Sexify

Sex

Sexy

Sexy-time

Sexy-bodacious

Get you laid

No longer a pathetic virgin loser

Clothing-Removal

Roofies

Sorority

Delta

Sigma

Phi

Fraternity rush

Axe effect resulting in unwanted children

Date rape.

Quite an interesting creative brief to say the least.  I would like to highlight my favorite copy on the entire site, and perhaps even the entire internet.

"Science shows that Axe's improved fragrance acts upon the female libido and stimulates the clothing-removal section of the female brain.  Which means you can fulfill more of your manly desires.  One application of the new improved Axe and you'll smell like a hunk of man candy all day long.  Which is good, because babes like man candy. lots."

This is quite the interesting block of copy; as we can see, Axe has decided to appeal to each man's scientific sense (or scents, see what I did there, because it is a fragrance [sic.], it's a joke, get it?) to illustrate the very scientifically grounded, Axe effect.

I don't have a re-print copy of the breakthrough study "Axe Fragrance Effect on the Female Homo Sapien Clothing-Removal Section of the Medulla Oblongata" (Journal of Sexyology) but it concludes:

 "Axe is quite efficacious in stimulating nudity in females."

Interestingly, the Axe group received concomitant dosing of Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate (GHB, aka roofies) with each dose of Axe, which the study design explains, "..was included for the highest level of accuracy to real world scenarios."