In an absolut world, advertising this bad would be punishable by flogging

These ads were sent to us by an avid reader, Mack Holden, a fine writer in his own regard. I think I speak for all GINAS readers when i say, "thanks Mack."

In continuing the theme of advertising that really grinds my gears I proudly [sic.] present three executions from the "In an Absolut world" campaign. What is especially troubling is that, judging by Absolut's past advertising trends, this shitstorm of a campaign will likely last for decades.

The boring headline/tagline/amalgamated mess (which is begging for ellipses.  Does Chiat/Day not have proofreaders?) segues into trite imagery that can only be described as "gear grinding."

Rather than analyzing these ads verbatim (which really grinds my gears), I will provide the ostensible sublines that were so conveniently ommited to make them less morally reprehensible.  Ok fine, I will also briefly rant on each.

Ad 1: In an Absolut world...

"Obvious and predictable images would be edgy"

"You could stick with the bottle campaign for 10 more years"

"This wouldn't be considered anti-semitic" (it's ok, my dad's a Jew)

"Everyone would get Pinocchio references"

Kudos for finding the single most generic and benign secret-service agent ever.  The absence of dark aviator glasses is quite cutting edge, only in an Absolut world.

Also, with Disney movie references, perhaps Absolut should amend their "Absolut World" idea to better reflect the totality of those who understand the whole "big nose= lying" connotation.  Something tells me that little boys and girls touted by Sally Struthers in third world countries would be rather confused by this one.  Quite the dilemma, as "In an Absolut developed capitalist market World" doesn't really have the same ring to it.

Ad 2: In an Absolut world...

"everyone's name is dirk"

"an inch feels like eight"

"standards of measure are thrown out the window to accommodate the well hung(take that metric)"

"everything measures up to that one guy in college"

"foreskin would really be eightskin"

A dick reference, edgy.  I suppose this has been an underlying theme in Absolut's advertising, as the bottle could be perceived by Tipper Gore types as "phallic."  I'm extremely distracted by the decision to go with 8 inches here; I imagine the decision was made on a slow tuesday about an hour before lunch, in a conversation much like the one below:

"So we need to somehow convey that in an absolut world, everyone has a huge dick"

"How big is huge?"

"I dunno, 12 inches?"

"Damn, that is huge"

"Too huge?"

"I don't know man, that's pretty huge."

"That's true"

"What about 10 inches?"

"Dude, I one knew a guy..."

"Bro..."

"..."

"10 is pretty huge"

(Female AE walks by)

"My ex-boyfriend was 8 inches, that was the biggest I've seen"

(AE walks away)

"8 sounds good"

"Yeah"

"That chick's a slut"

"Totally"

"I'd hit it"

Ad 3: In an Absolut world...

"My apartment would be furnished exclusively by ikea"

"Sex dolls would be modularly designed, and easily packable"

"You wouldn't have to clean up your Hung Harry doll when grandma comes over for brunch"

"Your man-friend would be an amalgamation of Brett Michaels, a generic Williamsburg hipster, and Billy Zane"

"This box would have come with lube"

Ignoring the obvious gender stereotyping and playing into the whole "ideal man" thing, what really grinds my gears about this ad is the packing peanuts.  Seriously, in an Absolut World, packages still come with those annoying, crumbly, get all over everything in sight packing peanuts?  Perhaps I don't fully grasp the "idea" behind this campaign, for a moment I thought that they substituted "idyllic" with "Absolut," but clearly not, as in my idyllic world, packages would be padded with money or my sense of self-pride, not the most heinous invention in packing history.   

As this is the internet, which I've been told is interactive, please feel free to come up with your own subliness in the comments section.  The best one will win the admiration of the entire internet.